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And you still don’t. The cute old clichè “New Year New Me” was the tune I was ringing. I was so ready for a fresh start. The real deal? a shot? the beginning?a test? a placeholder?...with you.

We have such a long story in the shortest of spurts. Mistakenly, I never really knew what was ever truly going on in your head. I knew we shared an attraction. The physical was evident. As for the mental magnitude shared, I couldn’t call it confidently on your part. Our emotional communication was extremely surface level. “I’m sorry, it wasn’t supposed to be like this” I’ll sum the New Years party up with All bad x Justin Bieber. Haha, I probably manifested it too. I wanted to talk about it(us), but you seemed annoyed. The bookstore/coffee shop was the perfect allotted elbow room for our redefined safe space. As much as I wanted it to be that, my energy would not waver for you. I saw the sincerity in you. Those sweet brown puppy dog eyes gleamed. My first real glimpse of no ego, you really showed up at that moment. But... Why now? Why here? I thought the pothole in the road was the end of our smooth travels. You made it clear via text. Now we were face-to-face. I was ready to move forward but my intuition wasn’t. I learned I can’t get over something that has hurt me without confrontation. Your questions were more intense than depicted. The questions weren’t my issue. Ride the magic carpet just to have the rug pulled out from under me was. It all felt like it was on your time every time. I was nudging myself to show up. “Girl, he’s serious this time“ I could only show up for self. I knew everything about you. I asked questions, I cared. I remember our first date you seemed tense at first. But once you got comfortable you took me to babble town and I loved it. I quickly noticed your brief vs. lengthy answers. We had known each other for a year. And I remembered everything. Memories stem from a rise in emotion whether they’re good or bad. I had been ready. “yea...I mean...I was just immature and in college” was what you said. When you arrive at someone’s house, especially one that’s not necessarily in a gated community but does have security for the valuables it possesses. It is common courtesy to let them know that you’ve planned/decided to show up. If no notice, you’ll just keep ringing to no answer. Your spare key was under the mat.

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